This is a practice I have witnessed first hand with someone very close to me. At the time I did not understand my friend or this practice and I would criticize her for it. I would never have imagined that years later I would be cutting too.
In the midst of an overwhelming depression I began to cut myself. Though I could not literally cut myself because I could not leave evidence on my body. I did not want people to know how I was really feeling and I certainly did not want the criticism for engaging in such an activity. I had to be smarter about how I hurt myself. Most people have a morning routine and so did I. After convincing myself to get out of bed I would make a cup of tea, turn on the news, and open the laptop. Navigating the browser to Google news, I would search for the term 'transgender' in the latest stories. After selecting an article I would quickly scroll to the bottom of the page seeking the comments section. It is here that I found I could do the most damage to myself. Everyone knows that the anonymous nature of the internet allows people to speak freely and openly without consequence. I would seek out the comments meant to tear apart or otherwise threaten people like me. I wanted read the new derogatory names people invent and see what the general public really thought of me. I would do this most mornings. While other people were heating up their pop-tarts I was seeing how badly I could scar myself emotionally. I called it cutting.
I don't do this to myself anymore, at least not for the same reasons. I finally decided that I had quite enough to deal with and adding to my depression with this activity was just not helping. I began to wonder how many other people like me were seeing these comments and how many of them would not be strong enough to survive. I also wondered if I could turn these hateful words into something positive. The artist in me began to consider this bitter medium.
The Goal (Roughly)
Though it is occasionally painful I am still seeking out and reading these comments. I intend to collect them for a period of time, a year perhaps. I am not sure what the end result will look like but I believe that the process is where the inspiration lives. I intend to continue the same process of using Google news to find the paint for my project. I think this will keep out most of the blog stories so I can focus on mainstream news outlets. I am recording the comments in a document, copy and paste style. I correct spelling to keep the document more viable for a word cloud. I am collecting snippets, whole sentences, and I will copy more if the context is important. My final goal is yet to be determined but right now I am considering a word cloud or the collection of comments displayed at an overwhelming size; imagine a large gallery wall covered in these trans-specific hate comments. As many artists before me, I want the viewer to feel what I feel.
Here is a sample of my pallet so far:
The bible says it is an abomination.
All the trans-gender garbage is just a politically correct cover up for people who are mentally ill.
These admitted perverts are allowed to adopt kids.
Trannies & pedophiles. what's next. Please don't tell me, I nearly vomiting now.
I have nothing against homosexuals but I do have something against individuals that change decides to change their gender.
Lovely comments to say the least. I would prefer more upbeat posts but this is something I am working on and I think it is important. A quote I recently came across seems an appropriate closing:
"If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good." ~ Thomas J. Watson
